The Little Things

Last April, during a visit to my sister's family, my brother-in-law asked if I wanted ornamental grass for my garden (they planned to split one of their plants). I love plant sharing, especially of perennials. So I enthusiastically said, "yes," yet I didn't have the energy to go dig up the grass. That is, I assumed it wouldn't happen that weekend. Yet when we left, a box of grass-root clumps was in the back of our van, thanks to the thoughtfulness of my brother-in-law. This ornamental grass then made its way into my garden, and it's a lovely addition.

Of course, ego must sneak into this story (it always does, right?). I think the grass is beautiful on its own, but a little voice inside complained that it didn't bloom (that's the ego/meanie voice). Blah-blah-blah I said, but still the voice occasionally nagged. Then just last weekend, THE GRASS BLOOMED! It's a late bloomer, but it blooms. That made me enormously happy, because 1) I wasn't expecting it, and 2) I love blooming grass. So phllpht! to ego. And yay! to small, happy moments. Honestly, it's those small, yet beautiful moments that make me happiest of all.

My blooming grass:

Lovely Reminder

Each fall, I get caught in the busyness of the new academic year. This initially comes from a positive place: students bring excited, happy energy into the classroom. I'm energized by them and by my own creative plans for my courses. The first week is magic--it's exhausting, but deeply fulfilling (reminds me why I love my job). Gradually, though, the busyness takes a turn. In fact, it's not the external busyness, but my own internal busyness--the busyness of ego, unrealistic expectations of myself, and the need for control.

Whenever I feel vulnerable, control is my go-to habit. Yet it's a cage; it clips my wings. So I've developed some new, more freeing--yet not as familiar--habits to replace the cage. But what happens when my vulnerability is ramped up? I not surprisingly revert back to familiar--if unhealthful--habits. This has been the back and forth of my days and weeks. Sometimes I quickly realize my need for a genuine pause to recenter; other times I plow through the day without a single deep breath. Such is the work of creating a new habit.

Quality time with my nieces and nephews always brings me back to my authentic self. Being with them allows me to easily access mindfulness, joy, perspective, and play. These are things I always carry with me, but sometimes (like in the middle of the term) I need a reminder. I got that pleasant reminder last weekend.

Yay for that! And yay for cookie monster cupcakes:

Life Menu (of Awesome!)

I'm near the end of a path-finder e-course offered by Karen Walrond, who is all sorts of fabulous. (Really, go to her website and try not to fall in love with her spirit--it's not possible.) She's had us generate a love list, light words, a vision board, a word of the year, and--most recently--a Life Menu of Awesome. There are two things I like about that last label: 1) it's not a list that must be done or fodder for nasty-voice punishment, and 2) it has the word awesome in it, which just makes me smile. So this is a menu of soul-filling ideas from which I can pick and choose, complete or not complete, add and delete. And it's awesome to boot (big grin)!

Karen suggested we make our Life Menu public, if for no other reason than to generate energy and connections around the ideas. So here goes...

Joy's Life Menu (of Awesome!), in no particular order 

• Dance on all seven continents
• Add a new perennial to my garden each year [2012: purple irises]
• Treat each of my nieces and nephews to a special trip at college graduation
• Attend 10 NCAA women's volleyball Final Fours with my dad  [Count so far: 3 Final Fours (Madison, New Orleans, & San Antonio)]
• Write a book
• Learn a new star constellation every year and view it regularly
• Take an improvisation class
• Spend time in 25 national parks
• Create and carry out Story-Corps type interviews with 20 people (my dad first!)
• Attend 50 meditation retreats [Count so far: 4]
• Hug 1,000 different people (this will start from scratch upon the date of my choosing) [Start-from-scratch date: October 9, 2011; Different Hugs as of October 17, 2012: 206]
• Create and hang an exhibition of my photography
• Go sky-diving with Mark
• Spend a day in the winter making frosted sugar cookies with Mark (and whoever else wants to join us)
• Go on a hot-air balloon ride with my nieces and nephews
• Go backpacking in Idaho with Andrew and Jen
• Visit Todd, Katherine, and kiddos in San Francisco
• Make from-scratch cinnamon rolls with Mark [On December 31, 2011 we made "Cinnamon Rolls with Irish Cream Glaze" from The Bread Bible; they were YUMMY!]
• Take a photo of myself every day for a year
• Take a destination trip with Krista, Kristin, and Sarah for our 50th birthdays
• Learn one joke really well
• Have a big party to celebrate when Mark and I turn 50 AND we've been married 20 years (happens near the same time)
• Host a pumpkin-carving party
• Participate in a drum circle
• Vacation in New Zealand with Mark
• Have Mark read aloud to me 50 short stories
• Anonymously post 100 signs/sayings/fliers of kindness in obscure--but viewed--places
• Dance at 50 ceilidhs (or barn dances) [Count so far: 7]
• Travel to Haiti with Oliver and Rebecca, see their project in action, roll up my sleeves, and help
• Identify and organize a creative circle
• Write notes of kindness to friends and then hide them in their houses
• Give at least $1000 to grass-roots charities every December [Well, this isn't yet a completed item, but we did it in 2011 and it's now a tradition (stay tuned)]
• Hold a koala bear
• Cook with Heidi Swanson
• Attend another Canadian step-dancing camp
• Swim with dolphins
• Have a conversation with Barack and Michelle Obama (if I had to pick only one: Michelle)
• Perform with Mark in front of an audience (me: step dancing; Mark: fiddling)
• See Dar Williams in concert March 23, 2012, Stoughton Opera House
• Dance or meditate in a really large group (say 1000s)
• Find a comfy group of women with whom I can have fun playing indoor volleyball doubles
• Volunteer to hold babies at the hospital
• Take an 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction class
• Have my toes painted 12 different colors in a year [December: Days of Wine and Roses (deep purple, in honor of my friend, Kathy); January: Break of Dawn (sparkly red/pink); February: Shooting Star (sparkly purple); March: Stiletto (bright red); April: Eternal Flame (reddish-orange); May: Hijinks (coral); June: Alive (reddish); July: Lustress (pinkish); August: Poppy (bright red); September: Rusted Lux (sparkly orange-rust); October: Henna (muted purple)  almost there!]
• Take a  24-hour technology break once a week for a year
• Bring Steph to Lawrence as faculty, if only for a short-term visit
• Take an away-from-home vacation alone and luxuriate in my own company June 13-15, 2012, Door County
• Spend a week at an Ayurvedic retreat center
• Have 100 meals, happy hours, or visits with friends in a single year
• Take a purposeful trip to the Southwest with a trusted spiritual guide
• Hike part of the Appalachian Trail
• Learn how to say "thank you" in 20 different languages
• View the Northern Lights in person
• Attend an Olympic games

Real Self

Last week was up and down. Some days I felt completely connected, real, and free. Other days I felt obsessed by externals and allowed ego to drive my actions. And some days were a mix of both (ah, as is much of life :)). I pushed hard at work on Friday, but then relaxed into a wonderful evening of delicious food, great beer, and tap-your-toes music. Saturday began leisurely. Then was filled with emotion, support, friendship, and sharing at the Down Syndrome Awareness walk in Neenah. (Bless you, Madeline Mae, for bringing us all together.) But then ego hooked me again, and I raced right from the lovely walk to hours of errands.

I know, what was I thinking? Well, I can tell you what my ego/non-truth-telling voice was saying: "If you complete all these errands now, then you'll be okay, and you can relax tomorrow." But wait! My fear-based ego voice never lets me relax. There's never a time I'll have everything wrapped up. So, again, why did I listen yesterday? Who knows. Perhaps because I was filled with difficult emotions. Or maybe it was just old habit.

The good news is I more quickly realize when I'm in the throes of non-stop doing (with little being and feeling). Yay! I realize it. Yesterday that aha moment came at the grocery store. I took out my grocery list and on the list I saw "real self." I paused for a moment--did Mark find my list and add "real self" as a reminder for me? No, this was my writing. But I didn't purposely write it. YET, it seemed so poignant: of course I should find my real self at the grocery store--why wait another second?

Then I recognized what I actually wrote: "Real Salt" (it's my salt brand of choice). I laughed out loud in the produce aisle. In fact, I couldn't stop chuckling during the whole grocery run. And, in that process, I did actually find my real self.

[Here's a picture of my real self playing an arcade game when my nephew visited in July.]