Limits We Place on Ourselves

Recently I'm more aware of the limits I place on myself. For example: 1) I must be on campus all day long, even if I don't have anything scheduled; 2) If I spend too much time enjoying life, then somehow I'll get "in trouble"; 3) I'm not an artistic person; 4) Before starting a new project, I must be completely prepared. (And this is just a small array of examples.)

But I want to know, "who says?" Why not leave the office early and enjoy my backyard? Why not enjoy every minute of life? Who could I possibly "get in trouble" with? Why not play with my artistic side? Why not dive into something and learn by making mistakes? Huh! What a lovely new world that has opened to me (well, I'll be honest, the door is only partially ajar to this new world).

I like the idea of dropping assumptions, playing around with my preconceived notions, and recognizing that it's me (not someone else) who actually places these limits. Thus, I can also challenge the limits. Very scary (new ground typically is) and yet also freeing.

My limits tend to be in the punishment/be-a-good-girl style. This is a product of my particular background (circumstances and genetics). Others of you might have a different style of limit setting. For example, you might limit your growth by always assuming you're incapable of fill-in-the-blank or by not being authentic or by chronically undervaluing yourself (and perhaps underachieving or procrastinating). We all have our own "flavor" of limiting ourselves. (And we're all okay!)

I think it's a huge step to have awareness of the limits we place on ourselves. Once that happens, we can ask questions: Why is this limit in place? Is it necessary? Is it helpful? And sometimes we just need to say "Phfffflt!" to that limiting voice in our heads.

Perspective

A sense of perspective is often a helpful thing. Sometimes it's as simple as putting small annoyances (e.g., waiting in a long line, aches and pains, busy work) into a bigger perspective, in which they quickly get washed away, and a lightness comes back to our lives. Other times it's finding a perspective even bigger than, for example, the death of a loved one.

Daily, I view the Astronomy Picture of the Day. Looking at incredible pictures of space often brings me, at least briefly, a deep sense of perspective. And after I have this brief sense of perspective, I can move forward in a positive direction.

Namaste.

The Self-Awareness Path

A close friend of mine suggested a blog topic: knowing yourself. I'm both flattered and stymied by this suggestion. Flattered, because my friend thinks I know myself well and stymied because I'm not sure how to translate my experiences into a helpful blog entry. Then an important word floated into my head: authenticity. That is, whatever pathway each of us takes to "know" ourselves, in order for it to be helpful, it must be authentic.

My particular pathway has been a mixture of many things: journal writing, close friendships, professional counseling, meditation, Buddhist literature, athletics, sharing my story, talking, listening, loving with all my heart, allowing for and accepting the full range of emotions, gardening, being told difficult truths, forgiving, making mistakes, laughing, awareness of mind-body-emotion connections, reiki, playing with children, mindfulness, curiosity, and sometimes just lying on the couch doing absolutely nothing.

Getting to really know myself has been healthful, positive, and empowering, but it's also been difficult, messy, and downright scary at times. So there are ebbs and flows. Some days (or weeks or months) I feel strong and ready to plunge ahead, and other days (or weeks or months) I decide to take a break. Some days I meditate and journal and breathe; other days I barely pause and distract myself (with email, to-do, errands, a glass--or two--of chardonnay, or chocolate); most days are somewhere in between.

The pathway each of us takes is different (maybe in only small ways, but different nonetheless) and that's okay! The pathway must be authentic in order for us to feel safe and to continue moving forward. I think authenticity, curiosity, and kindness are all important pieces of the self-awareness path: genuine curiosity to start the path, self-kindness to stay on the path (even when it's really hard), and authenticity to chart an appropriate path (which might change regularly).

It's also helpful to remember we're all in this together and none of us has "figured it all out." I certainly haven't. (Pema Chodron: "None of us is okay and all of us are fine. It’s not just one way. We are walking, talking paradoxes.") I consider my self-awareness path to continue for the rest of my life. And what a lovely way to spend the rest of my life.

Sadness and Gratitude

On Monday, my PhD advisor died. He died of a broken heart (his wife of 50 years passed away 3 weeks ago, after a long battle with cancer).

This week has been a blur, trying to process his death, my sadness, and also reflect on the advisor/advisee relationship. Tim was a wonderful mentor to me. At the time he became my advisor, I did not have confidence in myself as a researcher. He was a patient, yet strong advisor. I wonder, if I had a different advisor, would I have completed my dissertation? Who knows. But I do know the positive impact he had on me. He mentored me well; I finished my dissertation and I was proud of the work. Throughout that process, we also had many discussions outside the realm of statistics. Talks about career paths, family, life, sports, fun, discipline, and friendship. We shared many opinions, but we also agreed-to-disagree in some areas (yet we opened each others' eyes to different view points).

I am very grateful for what Tim gave me. He provided me with the tools I needed to finish my PhD and get a faculty position at Lawrence--I job I love with all my heart. He got me to believe in myself as a researcher and an academic. And he was both patient and appropriately demanding when needed. Plus, he was a gentle soul. I miss him.

It's particularly times like these when I think about all the special people in my life. The people who have touched my life in important and impactful ways (and in a wide variety of ways). I am so very grateful to all those people. If you're reading this blog post, perhaps you can also think about the people who have touched your heart in special ways. Gratitude is such a lovely space to inhabit. Let's inhabit gratitude. And make a point of telling those special people just how thankful we are.